


Army of Skanks

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Mean Girls (2004)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-20
Updated: 2008-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:54:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1637639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You don't really think it all ended with Regina playing lacrosse, do you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Army of Skanks

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Max and Sasha, without whom this story would (literally) never have been written or posted.
> 
> Written for botherd

 

 

Regina called Cady the day she got out of the hospital.  
"So, I know that, you, like, tried to kill me and everything, but I'm totally not the kind of person to hold grudges, and I've got a broken spine and the whole school hates you, so we're pretty much even. We should hang out."  
"Regina, I didn't try to kill you, you got hit by a bus," Cady said.  
"Whatever. See you in an hour. And you better bring flowers, beyotch."  


"Hey, losers," Regina said the next day. Cady decided that Regina George was the only person who could look intimidating while wearing a spinal halo and holding a lunch tray. "Come sit with me."  
"Sure," Cady said.  
"Why?" Janice asked suspiciously.  
"Well, I never thought you'd take your lesbian revenge as far as you did, and when you think about, it's kind of flattering. Plus my therapist says I have to make amends with my past to move on to the future."  
Cady stood up. Janice started to pick up her tray automatically, but caught herself in time.  
"Oh, and bring that fat guy you always hang out with," Regina added.  
"Damien," Cady said.  
" _Why_?!" Janice said at the same time.  
"God, have you guys been living under a rock or something? Hanging out with gay people is really in right now. And since Janice won't admit she's a lesbian-"  
"Damien's not gay," Cady said quickly before Janice got violent.  
"He's in drama, he wears pink, he sings Christina Aguilera songs, and he listens to George Michael. Trust me, he's gay."  
Janice glared at her.  
"He doesn't listen to George Michael."  
"Oh yeah," Regina said sweetly. "That was you, Janice, wasn't it? In middle school?"  
Cady giggled in spite of herself.  
"Come on, Cady, I have a lot more interesting stories about Janice Ian."  
Janice looked like she was seriously considering pushing Regina in front of a bus again, but she still sat with them.

Apparently there was some kind of law about how you couldn't drive if any part of your body was in a medical brace, so Cady was guilted into being Regina's personal chauffeur for the next two weeks. It wasn't so bad - they even got into the habit of picking Janice up after her job. And since Regina couldn't be bothered to waste her time dropping Janice off, Janice got reacquainted with Regina's mom ("Jan, you sweet girl, did you do something with your hair? You look so chic, oh, you girls these days, so edgy!") and the Boob-Job of Doom. Damien, who joined them a couple of times, hit it off with Mrs. G. immediately, since he was the only person who could actually stand her chatter (and drink her virgin daiquiris).   
Hanging out at Regina's house turned out to be strangely un-weird and actually kind of fun, if you managed to focus on the things she said about other people (which were always accurate and pithily hilarious) and ignore the things she said about you (which were also usually accurate, but, un-surprisingly, not that funny).  
And she did have a nice house.

"Janice, have you ever thought about, like, brushing your hair or something?" Regina asked one afternoon. "You could look like an actual human being if you got rid of the nest on your head and stopped painting your face with grease-paint".  
"I've been begging her to do it for years, but she never listens to me," Damien said dramatically.   
"Oh, eat me," Janice scowled.  
"God, Janice, always with your lesbian obsession," Regina sighed. Janice looked like she wanted to put her no. 4 pencil through Regina's eye. She settled for a quick doodle of Regina being eaten by a crocodile.

Janice wore a black dress to the Spring Fling, but her hair was blown straight and she let Cady do her makeup. Damien was her official date, but she spent half the night with David Reynolds, a guy Aaron knew from the soccer team.  
Cady had to spend a good twenty minutes under the refreshments table, having ducked under it when she saw Regina coming over to talk to Aaron - she might have been naive enough to trust Regina last Halloween, but it wasn't going to happen again.   
"I know you like her," she heard Regina say.  
"Regina, I have no idea what you're planning this time, but I'm not going out with either you or Cady again. I'm kind of tired of all the drama."  
"Aaron, she pushed a person in front of a bus to get you. That has to mean something."  
"I'm starting to believe you about the voodoo and the t-shirt now," Aaron said cautiously.  
"Oh, that was a lie," Regina said matter-of-factly. "But she's totally in love with you, and since you blew it with me, you have my permission to start going out with her."  
Aaron shrugged, irritated.  
"I don't need your permission".   
But later that night, in a cheesy slow-dancing moment, he kissed Cady in front of everybody.  
A week later they went on a triple date with Regina, Shane, and David Reynolds. Janice let Cady do her make-up again, and Damien got pictures of the three hottest guys in North Shore as a consolation prize.

"Later, bitches," Regina said and hung up.  
There was a small silence.  
"We just had a three-way call with Regina George," Cady said.  
"I know," Janice echoed.  
"And we made _plans_."  
"I know."  
"It's like we're in an alternate reality."  
"Or like she's making us act in a movie without letting us read the script."  
"This is so weird."   
There was another silence.  
"But why is she being so _nice_?"  
"I have no idea," Janice admitted, "And it's creeping me out."  
"Some twisted form of revenge? Keep your enemies closer?"   
"Seriously, I wish we were in a movie," Janice said. "You could dream up so many cool endings for this."  
"Knowing Regina, it would be a horror movie and in the end she'd kill us all with a chainsaw."  
"Or, if this was a teen comedy, you'd join the Mathletes instead of going to the Spring Fling, and Regina would turn out to be a really sweet girl deep down inside."  
"Or she'd turn out to be the queen of alien parasites trying to take over the world."  
"Or you could mix her a Drano cocktail."  
"I think we should hang up now," Cady said. "Before the nice people in white coats cart us off to a padded cell."  
"Maybe that was her plan all along," Janice said darkly.  


Cady was about to open the door of her stall when the bathroom door banged.  
"Regina George is so _unpredictable_ ," someone (Bethany Byrd, judging by the breathless quality of her voice) said. "I mean, a month ago Cady Heron pushed her in front of the bus, and now it's like they're best friends again."  
Cady froze. In the next stall, she could see Janice quickly pulling her feet off the floor so her striped stockings wouldn't give her away.  
"And she's hanging out with Janice Ian again like they did in sixth grade."  
Cady settled down to listen.  
"Did they say anything about me?" Damien asked at lunch, when they told him about it.  
"They compared you to Simon Cowell," Janice grimaced.  
Damien preened.

"God, Janice, I wish I could be skinny like you," Regina said one day, looking in the mirror.  
"You're, um, really skinny too, Regina," Janice answered and looked very surprised.  
"How do you do it? You're not really on crack, are you?"  
Janice's face went back to normal.

They were hanging out at the Old Orchard food court when Regina dropped the bomb. Leaning forward on her elbows, she said,   
"You know, I don't think I can ever forgive Karen and Gretchen for betraying me."  
Cady, having lived a double life for the past year, managed to keep her face blank, but Janice was out of practice and her mouth dropped open almost audibly.  
"I mean you, Cady, okay, Aaron is hot - not too smart, of course, but hot, and I can totally get how you'd be willing to do _anything_ to get him. But the girls...I don't know what I did to deserve the way _they_ treated me. And I really thought they were my _friends_ , you know."  
"You said Karen Smith was a slut and Gretchen would be one if she wasn't too plain-looking," Janice pointed out.  
"Exactly. How can you be friends with somebody if you can't even tell them the truth? I'm _so_ glad I have you guys now."  
Cady gaped.

"You wanna do something today?" Cady asked.  
Janice looked around, touched her hair, and started rummaging in her bag purposefully.  
"I can't, I have to work on that art project I told you about."  
"The one you handed in last Thursday?"  
"No, this is a new one."  
Cady sighed.  
"Let me guess: it involves the words "Regina George" and "get rid of her, she's so annoying"?"  
"Why are you so suspicious all of a sudden?"  
"You're not a very good liar."  
"Yeah," Janice said. "Which is weird, considering who my friends are."  
"Don't worry, you're doing a really good impression of Regina right now."  
"Sorry," Janice sighed. "It's just... With Regina, no matter what she does..."  
"Yeah, you still want to be her friend. Trust me, I know. At least now we know why she's doing all this."  
"Oh no."  
"Oh yes."  
"Oh _no_! Are we it? Are we Regina's new army of skanks?"  
"Looks like it. She always gets what she wants, doesn't she?"  
"That is so true."  
"Next thing you know, she'll have magically turned you into a lesbian."  
Janice blushed.

 


End file.
